


Cutthroat Kitchen - "Nacho Fast" Beta Chefs Edition

by imsorrycantrelate



Series: Cutthroat Kitchen Fandom Fics (Homestuck) [1]
Category: Cutthroat Kitchen - Fandom, Homestuck
Genre: Bad Cooking, Comedy, Competition-Set Fic, Cooking, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-22 06:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9588713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imsorrycantrelate/pseuds/imsorrycantrelate
Summary: This is an audio transcript of an unaired episode of Cutthroat Kitchen in a dream bubble right before the events of endgame. The intentions of Jane may or may not be influenced by the Betty Crocker company. Viewer discretion of (mostly) bleeped swears is advised.In this episode of Cutthroat Kitchen, the beta chefs have to cook classics from alternian and earth cuisine. They have to survive sabotages, ranging from loss of grub for grub loaf to sick kick flips. Watch this episode of Cutthroat Kitchen to see who survives!





	1. Round One: Grub Loaf

Jane: I have one hundred thousand dollars of cold hard cash in this case. 4 chefs get $25,000 each. If they want to leave this kitchen ali-I mean, with any of the cash, they have to survive 3 culinary challenges, and each other! In a game where sabotage is not only encouraged, it’s for sale. It’s a game we like to call, “Cutthroat Kitchen”.  
*Introduction music plays*  
Dave: hello, my name is er, Chef Dave and i’m not sure why i’m here, i don’t usually cook anything but some f⬜ckin sweet beats. like John’s mom, wtf?   
*Chef Dave proceeds to place his suitcase on the table. He wears a red chef’s outfit, and hat, even though that’s against Cutthroat Kitchen policy. He opens up the case to reveal a set of broken knives.*  
*Next chef walks in.*  
Rose: why did you bring us here again? Oh right, intro. Hello, I am Chef Rose Lalonde, and I’m a mixologist/connoisseur, I never went to cooking school, I am self trained from my mother, she would be proud of all I have learned about beverages, and I’m here to prove to my family and all the chefs here that you don’t need to be a fancy chef to cook some sh⬜t.   
*Rose walks in with a classic black chef’s outfit. She carries a case, opening it to reveal needles instead of knives. She sharpens them together, then smirks*  
Dave: i’m going to take you down, first f⬜ckin round   
Rose: I don't think so. Just because I may have not gone to cooking school doesn't mean i dont have the best taste in the room.   
Dave: Rose, none of us know how to cook. don’t make it sound like you’re special   
*Next chef walks in*  
Jade: hello!! my name is Jade, I mean, Chef Jade. I know a little bit about cooking, and because I lived in an island for most of my life, I think I can handle this challenge. honestly I don’t know why we’re here right now. but I know that cooking isn’t just something that you can just pick up, it’s a science. I implement a lot of molecular gastronomy in my cooking, so it’s not always easy to relate it back to traditional cooking.   
*Chef Jade wears a white labcoat instead of a chef’s coat, wears goggles, and carries a case. She opens it to reveal a gun. Jane runs over and tells her that guns aren’t allowed on the site of Cutthroat Kitchen. She hands her some knives.*  
*The last chef walks in*  
John: hi. oh the camera is over there. hi, my name is john.   
*Chef John wears his regular outfit as Jane looks at him disapprovingly. He floats in, carrying a single hammer. Jane also hands him some knives.*  
Jane (muttering): honestly you’re all hopeless. (yelling) Hello, and welcome to Cutthroat Kitchen. I hope you all know the rules by now…  
Dave: you forced us to watch the whole first season   
Jane: As I was saying, I hope you all know the rules by now. I am Jane Crocker, the host of Cutthroat Kitchen. And here, *she opens a case next to her, breathing in the smell of whatever is inside* we have a case of $100,000 in cold hard cash, and each of you will be receiving $25,000 to use throughout the game.   
Dave: why would we want money? we like, own the entire un-  
Jane: And, in addition, the winner gets the approval and blessing of the Mayor.   
*Mayor walks in, waving at all of them*  
Dave: well f⬜ck, can’t let down the mayor, let’s do this  
*Chef Dave gets serious. His sunglasses shine as he adjusts them.*  
*Jane walks up to each of them and hands them a wad of money. Chef Dave takes it, feeling the weight of the money. Rose is prepared to compete, not caring about the money. Jade feels the weight of the money, sniffs it, shuffles it, and proceeds to almost lick it. John takes his, wondering where Jane got $100,000.*  
Jade: woah i don’t think ive ever seen this much money in my life and im going to keep it  
*She licks the wad of money when Jane turns away.*  
John: i’m pretty sure this is fake. i’m almost a hundred percent sure that george clooney wasn’t the president, but who knows which universe or time she got these from. i don’t think any of us have even seen real money.  
Jane: Now use your money wisely, because you’ll only be leaving with what you have left. Now, chefs, I am giving you 30 minutes to make, *dramatic music plays*, Grub loaf.   
Dave: i’ve got this im the master at grub, i am the ruler of grub, i make grub for breakfast every f⬜king day, i make it in my sleep, grub sauce runs through my blood, none of these chefs have a finger on me the judge is going to love my sweet damn grub sauce so much it’s going to give them a f⬜king erection, doesn’t matter who or what they are, i-  
John: what’s a grub loaf?   
Jane: Alright, contestants, you have 60 seconds to run into the pantry and grab the ingredients needed to make a delicious alternian grub meatloaf with grub sauce, starting...now!   
Rose: Now, I knew exactly what I needed to make this, so I wasn’t going to let anyone get in my way.   
*Rose runs in front of everyone, pushing them out of the way. She leads into the pantry, Dave closely behind, Jade rushing in and John walking.*  
Rose: I was thinking of maybe a twist on the classic grub loaf that I’ve made a million times. I was thinking of a, well, Italian twist on the classic. So I grabbed italian sourdough, basil, parmesan, garlic and some flair with a glass of wine, which I will also use to make a homemade grub sauce.   
*Rose pushes everyone out of the way to grab her ingredients and rushes out first.*  
Dave: i’m going for a classic grub loaf, because nothing is better than the original i grab my bread, my grub, all of the intrinsic ingredients to my grub sauce, and some more grub just in case  
*Dave takes away all of the grub, leaving barely enough room for anything else. He runs out, barely keeping hold of all of his ingredients*  
Jade: i have a vague idea of what a grub loaf should look like, so i grabbed the obvious, grub, grubs, grub, bread, um, some cognac.   
John: i look around and grabbed what i thought could possibly be in a meatloaf, but with grub?   
*John stressfully puts everything in his basket, letting a few things slip. Jade carefully places everything that she needs, including five kinds of cognac. They rush out of the pantry, Jane closing the door behind them.*  
Jane: Damn *snaps fingers*  
Dave: i look down at my basket, and realize that I forgot the grub for my grub sauce now I have all this grub for my grub, but none for my sauce   
*Dave raises his hands to his head and dramatically realizes his mistake*  
Dave: F⬜ck  
Jane: Alright contestants, now don’t get ready to cook just yet. Now we’re at the best part.   
*Jane knocks on the elevator, revealing three jars. Rose and Dave gawk at them, Jade looks prepared for the challenge and John scratches his head. Jane takes out the plate, showing off each jar*  
Jane: Now what we have here, is well, haha, some jars. Now this jar seems to have, kraft® grub sauce, this one seems to have some month-old ketchup, and this one has mayonnaise. Now, if you buy this sabotage, you have the power to take away ALL main grub ingredients for that chef’s grub sauce, and replace it with one of these.   
*Jane laughs maniacally, and Rose gasps.*  
Rose: There is no way I am making grub sauce without any grub.   
Rose: $2,000!   
*Jade and John shake their heads.*  
Dave: $3,000!  
Dave: i can actually use this to my advantage, but that doesn’t mean im just going to let her get it without a challenge  
Rose: $5,000!  
Jade: There’s no way I would give up that much in the first sabotage, do they even know what’s coming up next?   
*Jade pets her money.*  
Jane: Chef Rose is the winner! Now you get to choose who gets these sabotages. But don’t forget to hand over the money.   
*Rose walks up to Jane, handing her the $5,000. She takes each of the jars, looking at each of the contestants with a smirk. She hands the regular grub sauce to John.*  
Rose: I feel that John is probably the one I have to worry the least about, he probably doesn’t even know how to make grub sauce. He should be thankful.   
John: oh thank god. i thought we were using ketchup.   
*Rose walks up to Jade, handing her the ketchup.*  
Jade: Rose thinks shes hurting me with the ketchup, but really, with the cognac, the judge isn’t going to care what else is in there.   
*Rose gives the mayonnaise to Dave. He smiles.*  
Dave: Rose thinks she’s going to stop my skills with some mayonnaise, jokes on her, there’s probably more grub in this jar of mayo than there was in my basket  
Dave: thanks, truly  
Rose: You’re welcome.   
*Rose gives the grub back to Jane, then heads back to her basket, smirking.*  
Jane: Alright, contestants onto the next one.   
*She knocks on the elevator, then reveals a roll of tin foil.*  
Jane: Ooh, this is a classic. Whoever buys this sabotage will force another player to replace ALL of their utensils and tools within their strife deck with the tin foil kind! The bidding starts at $800.   
Jade: now, I knew I could deal with this, but seeing one of those two with the fancy knives have to use tin foil that would be well a whole barrel of fun!! :)   
Jade: $800!   
Rose: I was just dying to see Dave use tin foil instead of his beloved broken knives.   
Rose: $1000!   
John: i thought, might as well.   
John: $2,000! $3,000! $4,000!  
Jade: $5,000!! $6,000!!!  
*All of the chefs stop bidding after $5,000. Jade walks up and grabs the tin foil. She walks to stand between Rose and Dave, scratching her chin. Rose and Dave shake a little, glancing at the other.*  
Jade: Here you go Dave   
Dave: f⬜ck you.   
Jade: Dave! >:(   
Dave: sorry, just got a little over invested there. I have a reputation to keep. *waves at the mayor, blows a kiss*  
*Rose smiles, feeling proud of herself.*  
Rose: With only one sabotage left, what could possible happen?   
Jane: Onto the final sabotage. Now, oh what’s this? *she opens the elevator, revealing a pound of ground beef* This seems to be just regular ground beef. But what if I told you that this ground beef, will replace all the grub in your grub loaf!   
*Jane starts maniacally laughing as Rose gasps. Dave glances at her, and is the first one to cast a bid.*  
Dave: $6,000!   
Rose: $7,000!   
Dave: $8,000!   
*Rose reluctantly lets Dave take the grub. He hands over the money and slams the grub into Rose’s basket, taking away the grub that she has.*  
Dave: She’s not lasting the round.   
Rose: I won’t let something as small as not using grub in grub loaf get under my skin.   
Jane: Okay contestants, you have an hour to finish these grub loaves. And that hour begins now!   
*All of the contestants rush to their tables, prepping their foods.*  
John (has to use kraft® brand grub sauce in his grub loaf) i think i can deal with this, if i ever figure out what a grub loaf looks like.  
John: you put the bread in the meat right?  
Jade (has to use ketchup in her grub loaf): i get my meat ready, since that will be the part that takes the longest i take the bread and cut it up with the knives jane gave me, then add some seasonings to the meat before combining the bread and meat with, well, instead of eggs i was going to use grub, but i guess i have to use cognac and ketchup now. Maybe some oil?   
*Jade puts hundreds of spices in the meat, then starts writing down equations to figure out how much oil would need to be used.*  
Rose (has to use beef instead of grub): I go through the same steps as everyone else, but i add some extra basil and garlic to the meat, along with more oil, giving it a more pesto like flavor. Of course, I would have enjoyed doing this with some traditional grub, but atleast beef is something not too alien to me.   
Rose: How’s the tin foil going?   
Dave (has to use tin foil specibus): You see, i might have to use tin foil for knives, but as long as its broken tin foil knives, i can deal with it   
*Dave tries making some bowls out of tin foil, then uses his hands to tear apart the bread and meat. He crushes everything together, then decides to use the food processor to cut everything again. Then he starts making a bread pan to put the loaf in.*  
*All of the contestants have their grub loaf ready to bake except for John. Rose walks in the way of Dave as he struggles to keep the meat in his homemade pan. Jade looks at the oven.*  
Jade: I decide to put the temperature at like 1000, for like 10 minutes since i have no idea how long to put this in   
*Jade pushes random buttons and turns knobs, making the oven go to the impossible 1000 degrees.*  
Rose: Now that I have the actual loaf ready, I can start getting my white wine grub sauce ready. So I begin to prepare the sauce, but Dave just keeps on distracting me.  
Dave: it must be nice to have like, pans, you know? like really nice.   
*Dave walks up to the stove, carrying a tinfoil pan and a jar of mayonnaise.*  
Dave: guess I’ll just have to make this sh⬜t work.   
*Dave grabs a miscellaneous amount of other items, throwing them all together to make a mess of a grub sauce. Like, such a mess. It was disappointing. We’re disappointed in you Dave.*  
Jane: How are you doing over here, John?  
John: uhhh, f⬜ck.   
Jane: That’s what we like to hear here at Cutthroat Kitchen.   
John: i don’t think i have enough time to cook this in the oven. i might have to use the deep fryer.   
*John runs over to the deep fryer, almost running into Dave.*  
Dave: dude, you haven’t even started cooking? you’re f⬜ckin dunion rings  
John: so I put the meat in the deep fryer, and it seems to actually be working, but I need to make sure to get my sauce done, because everyone keeps saying that’s important   
*John runs back, swerving around Jade checking on her grubloaf.*  
Jade: it doesn’t seem to be cooking evenly, so I amp up the temperature, then start cooking the sauce. i grab all my ingredients, ketchup and cognac.   
*Jade starts cooking the ketchup, lowers her goggles down, then adds the cognac so that a spiral of fire erupts from the stove. The tips of John’s hair catches on fire, so he rushes over to the sink to dunk his head in the water.*  
Dave: man, what a f⬜ckin idiot. dude, John, what the f⬜ck dude, this is sad! Oh sh⬜t.   
*Dave accidentally rips the tin foil, making a majority of his disappointment of a grub sauce spill onto the stove. His, somewhat flammable, grub sauce. He starts to panic as the sleeve of his custom chef’s outfit catches on fire. He runs to the sink and dunks his arm.*  
Jane: *muttering* Those were the only chefs not using alcohol...what the f⬜ck? I mean, haha, you could say that this fire thing sure is catching on? Get it? Because fire-  
Rose: I check my grub loaf, and it's doing perfectly, I check my sauce, it’s great. Everything is going to be perfect...as long as the judge doesn’t realize I used beef instead of grub.   
Jade: my sauce is done, and soon my loaf will be done but I feel like I could do something to you know spice up this grub loaf I don’t just want it to be some boring loaf so I add some last minute spice to my sauce you know just some pepper just some habaneros then i add some more kick to the meat loaf then amp up the temperature.   
*Jade sneakingly opens the oven door, dumping the rest of the cognac in. She then cuts up a couple of habanero peppers and tosses them into her sauce. John runs back to the scene, grabbing a pan and pouring some of the kraft sauce.*  
John: so I decide to add some, like, homestyle to this sauce. i guess it’s the best option, since meatloaf is like a comfort food, so grub loaf must be too? so i add what reminds me of home.   
*John grabs some ranch, sugar and black pepper. And a pinch of salt. He runs back and forth from the fryer. Dave runs back to his station, then remakes the entirety of his sad, sad sauce. Rose smirks, but then she hears something below the stove. Suddenly, a burst of confetti explodes from the oven, knocking Rose over and covering the grub loaf with confetti.*  
Dave: What the f⬜ck John’s mom? that was f⬜ckin hella sweet, how the f⬜ck? You didn’t do that to mine did you? Oh, oh sh⬜t.   
*Dave realizes too late, as the oven below him explodes too, almost knocking him into the deep fryer. The same happens to Jade and John, but Jade manages to get hers out in time, and John doesn’t have a grub loaf in the oven because he’s f⬜cking frying it like a doofus.*  
John: f⬜ckin thanks nanna, i mean, jane  
*John punches into the air in victory. Jade’s grub loaf is smoking so much that it isn’t distinguishable, and she places it on a plate, cutting into the smoke. Even as she separates the meat, it continues to smoke from the inside. She puts three slices of smoking loaf onto a plate, then adds a swirl of sauce. The sauce makes the smoke twice as large. She adds a couple of herbs as garnish, then begins cleaning her plates. John is still being an idiot, checking his grub loaf while also burning up his grub sauce. His grub loaf finishes frying and he brings it over to his table.*  
*Rose and Dave recover from the confetti blast and start checking on their grub loaves, completely annihilated from confetti. Their sauces are splattered across the floor.”  
Rose: I still can work with this. I can just use the leftover ingredients to make something even better with the...five minutes we have left.   
Dave: f⬜ck this, im giving the f⬜cking judge a pound of meat and bread crumbs with mayo, but it’s going to be damn f⬜cking good mayo meat.   
*Rose and Dave don’t crack under pressure, showing off their overconfidence. They start cooking their ingredients again, while preparing their plates. They pick off the confetti from their grub loaves, then place them on the plates. Rose elegantly places them in a round plate, layering the slices one over the other, and adding a few green leaves to add color to the plate and cleansing the judges palate, with a side of white wine. Dave ravages the meat with tin foil, taking almost the entire time to cut off two thin slices. He grabs his thick mayo sauce, then completely covers the meat with it. Rose adds her white wine sauce, a thin layer that drizzles over the top of the meat.*  
Jane: And, we’re out of time, contestants. Drop your knives, needles, tinfoil. Now contestants, let me introduce you to the judge, Karkat Vantas!   
Karkat: WHY THE F⬜CK AM I HERE AGAIN???  
Jane: Please don’t swear, Karkat, you’re supposed to be a role model. Okay, now Karkat, tell them what I told you earlier.   
Karkat: WHAT??? OH, RIGHT. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN UP TO, AND I DONT F⬜CKING CARE, OH SH⬜T, SORRY JANE, I MEAN I DONT F⬜CKING CARE YOU LITTLE SH⬜THEADS. WHY THE F⬜CK DO YOU KEEP ON CENSORING ME?!?!   
Jane: Nevermind him, well, except for the fact that he is determining the fates of your liv-I mean, the competition. Now, Chef John, please tell us what your dish is.   
John: *clears throat* You see, Mr. Vantas, I have a twist of the traditional grub loaf. Instead of baking the grub, I decided to give it a more, er, rustic twist. It is fried, making it more of a, er, crispy texture, and with a grub sauce with more classic tastes of the classic american home.   
*John nervously shows him the platter. He shakes as Karkat looks over it.*  
Karkat: DUDE, LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL F⬜CK? THIS ISN’T A F⬜CKING GRUB LOAF, THIS IS A F⬜CKING PIECE OF FRIED F⬜CKING SH⬜T YOU DUMBASS LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL EVERLIVING F⬜CK? AND AMERICAN? DOES THIS LOOKS LIKE AMERICA? YOU THINK IM GOING TO APPRECIATE YOUR STUPID EXCUSE OF CUISINE?   
*Karkat takes a bite of food, not spitting it out immediately. He chews it, contemplating over the taste. Jane watches over his shoulder, then takes a bite herself.*  
Karkat: ALRIGHT F⬜CKING EGBERT, YOU WIN THIS F⬜CKING ROUND YOU F⬜CK. THIS ACTUALLY TASTES LIKE THE SWEET TASTE OF A GRUB LOAF, BUT IS UNIQUE ENOUGH NOT TO BE ABSOLUTELY SH⬜TF⬜CKING BORING. THANKS FOR THE MEAL, YOU SICK F⬜CK. I CANT BELIEVE YOU DEEP FRIED A F⬜CKING GRUB LOAF. AND MADE IT WORK.   
*Karkat moves over to the next table, eyeing over Jade’s smoking heap pile. Jade smiles, and Jane smells the smoke and almost chokes.*  
Karkat: SO WHAT DO YOU HAVE HARLEY??? A F⬜CKING HEAP OF SMOKE???   
Jade: Thank you for asking you see, here we have a plate of classic grub loaf with a special twist and some spice. Instead of grub sauce, there is ketchup and there’s some added peppers to the mix. But that’s not the only twist: HINT: *it’s the cognac* *she winks*  
*Pan over of the plate, which is just smoke. Karkat pokes at the plate, wondering how to eat it. He finally finds a piece and puts it in his mouth. Before he can chew it his face turns red, his gag reflex kicks in and he starts choking. He spits out the piece, smoke coming from out of his throat.*  
Karkat: HARLEY!!! ARE YOU TRYING TO F⬜CKING KILL ME OVER HERE??? THAT WAS BURNT, BUT SOMEHOW STILL *VASTLY* UNDER COOKED. I WOULD HAVE EVEN BEEN FINE WITH THE *OBVIOUS* OVER SPICING, BUT HOW DARE YOU BURN A GRUB LOAF, THIS IS WORSE THAN EVEN EGBERT’S SIN, WHAT THE F⬜CCCCKKKKK!!!!  
Jade: i think he liked it   
*Karkat trudges over to Rose, grasping his throat. Jane makes sure not to eat any of Jade’s food.*  
Karkat: SO, ROSE. WHAT YOU F⬜CKING GOT??? IT BETTER NOT BE AS BAD AS THOSE, BECAUSE I DON’T THINK I CAN EVER LOOK AT ANY ONE OF YOUR SICK F⬜CKING FACES IF THAT’S TRUE.  
Rose: Today, I have an italian version of the classic grub loaf. I have sourdough for the bread, and um, classic, um, meat, and a white wine sauce, with white wine on the side. Also some greens to wash it down.   
Karkat: OH, THANKS, BECAUSE I DIDNT NEED THAT F⬜CKING BEFORE WHEN I ALMOST BURNT OFF MY F⬜CKING TONGUE, THANKS VERY MUCH. JUST GIVE ME THE F☐CKING SH☐T   
*Karkat prepares to be disgusted as he grabs the fork. He takes a bite and is pleasantly surprised.*  
Karkat: OH, LALONDE, THIS ISN’T THE MOST DISGUSTING SH⬜T IVE EVER HAD THE PLEASURE OF TASTING. GOOD JOB, THE FLAVOR OF THE WHITE WINE ADDS TO THE MEAT INSTEAD OF OVERPOWERING IT. BUT I DON’T SEEM TO BE TASTING ANY GRUB IN THIS GRUB LOAF.   
*Rose sweats a little, looking off to the side. Jane smirks. Karkat moves onto the final contestant.*  
Karkat: YO, DAVE. IF THIS ISN’T A F⬜CKING MASTERPIECE IM F⬜CKING DISOWNING YOU. YOU KNOW THIS IS LIKE, ONE OF MY FAVORITE DISHES. YOU BETTER BRING IT B⬜TCH OR IM GOING TO F⬜CKING BURN YOU WITH THAT GRUB LOAF OVER THERE.   
*He points at the table where Jade is*  
Dave: You’re not going to be disappointed, dude. This is my grub loaf, but to add to the flavor, instead of regular grub sauce, there is mayo.   
*Pan over the plate of tiny, jagged pieces of meat completely covered in sauce. Karkat slowly looks at what Dave calls food then looks back at him.*  
Dave: It’s deconstructed.   
*Karkat’s eye twitches.*  
Karkat: IM F⬜CKING DISAPPOINTED, YOU LITTLE B⬜TCH? YOU CALL THIS SH⬜T GRUB LOAF YOU D⬜CK?   
*He haphazardly grabs a fork, then grabs a piece, looking at the sauce slowly fall down the slab of meat and fall onto the plate.”  
Karkat: THIS. THIS LOOKS LIKE ALIEN JIZZ IF THEY WERE INFECTED WITH RABIES LIKE WHAT THE F⬜CK????!!!   
Jane: Please, Karkat, could you refrain yourself from saying things like that? This is supposed to be family-friendly.   
Dave: we’re all here, it isn’t going to be family friendly no matter what you do Jane. Woah, that sounded wrong. F⬜ck, sorry Jane, I’ll try to sound more f⬜cking like, oh sh⬜t  
Karkat: LOOK ILL JUST TRY THE ALIEN JIZZ CRAP LIKE SHUT THE F⬜CK UP!!!  
*Karkat tries it, then has a range of emotions from pleased to angry.*  
Karkat: WELL, YOU DID MANAGE NOT TO F⬜CK UP THE WHOLE THING, WHOOP DEE DOO. THE MEAT ISN’T AWFULLY PUTRID, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING WHATEVER THE F⬜CK ALIEN SH⬜T I ATE OVER THERE. BUT THAT SAUCE IS UNFORGIVABLE, LIKE WHAT IS THAT? YOU CALL IT MAYO? LIKE WHAT THE F⬜CK MAN? IF I COULD DESCRIBE DISAPPOINTMENT, I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO, BECAUSE ITS JUST THAT MUCH. F⬜CK YOU MAN.   
Jane: Alright, then. So Judge Karkat will think over the entries, and decide who will get to stay here, and who will be CUT from the kitchen.   
*A few minutes pass by as they talk*  
John: i feel that i might be the first to leave, i didnt stay close enough to what i was supposed to be doing  
Jade: I have no idea how this will go, it could go any way. I mean, my meal didn’t kill him, so it could be anyone’s game.   
Rose: I’ve got this in the bag. Final round here I come. No one can defeat the talents of Ms. Lalonde when she gets serious.   
Dave: haha, I hope Karkat doesn’t f⬜cking hate me after this, hey got to do it for the mayor man, i hope he understands.   
Jane: Alright, contestants. Judge Karkat has come to a conclusion. And the one who will not be joining us next round is…  
Karkat: IS IT EVEN A SURPRISE??? LIKE OF COURSE JADE F⬜CKING HARLEY, SHE ALMOST F⬜CKING KILLED ME, YOU THINK IM AN IDIOT??? DONT ANSWER THAT YOU DIM F⬜CKING WITS. MAYBE IF YOU DIDNT KILL ME WITH TOO MANY SPICES AND YOUR SAD SAD ATTEMPT AT COOKING, THEN I WOULD HAVE CONSIDERED DAVE.   
Jane: Sorry to see you go, you're going to have to give that sweet, sweet money to me.   
Jade ($20,000): no   
*Jane opens the case. Jade dashes off running with the $20,000 while sniffing and licking the money. She ends up dropping all of it on the floor except for one bill.*  
Jade ($100): And guess what!! I still have it :) 


	2. Round Two: Nachos

Jane: Alright then…Round Two! This round I will be giving you 15 minutes to make...nachos!   
Dave: psh, got this. they must be going easy on us.   
Rose: You see, the main elements of a good nacho plate is well cooked, non-soggy chips, a melted, tasteful cheese, and toppings that don’t overpower the chips. This is a very simple dish, therefore, it’s easy to f⬜ck up, from what I’ve heard. I wouldn’t know.   
John: aw man, that’s a throwback. nachos. memories, almost throwing up the nachos i tried to make with squeezy cheese. chuck e. cheese quality over here.  
Jane: Okay, chefs, your 60 seconds to rummage the pantry begins...now!   
*All three run to the pantry, Dave and John almost crash into each other as Rose laughs.*  
Rose: So for these nachos I am going to use Mozzarella and Parmigiano cheese, with some Gouda. I then grab some cilantro, some beef for the carne asada, some tomatoes, onions, lettuce, beans, and chips. Then I find avocado, jalapenos, and for some flair, some ingredients for a red chile sauce, with maybe a bit of alcohol.   
*Rose articularly grabs each ingredient, making sure to grab what she needs. She adds a few bottles of wine to her basket.*  
Dave: i run around, looking for what i considered to be the essentials for nachos. I get uh, some like monterey jack cheese, instead of jalapenos i use habaneros because i like my nachos hot, and some green chile sauce   
*Dave is seen running around frantically, grabbing the ingredients he needs. John is looking around, clueless.*  
John: i’m glad to know at least a little bit about what i’m doing, but i don’t really know the best ingredients for nachos, so i just grab chips, uhh, like pulled chicken, chile sauce cause everyone else was grabbing that, some uh, avocado? oh and tomatoes, cilantro, i saw rose grab those. and then i decided to use barbecue sauce instead of the chile sauce to be like, creative?   
*Everyone is running around, as Jane stares at her watch. Cut to the clock, where the time clicks down, 3...2...1...Jane closes the door, locking all three inside. She starts to laugh maniacally.*  
Jane: Oh, how sweet this day is. All three of you! This is beautiful. Now you each have to give me one of your ingredients. Let’s see, Dave I will take your chips, Rose, I will take jalapenos, and John...honestly I’m doing a favor by taking this away from you. Avocado with barbecue sauce?  
*She lets all three of them out while taking their ingredients. She knocks on the elevator, smiling. It reveals a bag of Doritos, flat tortillas, and regular restaurant chips.*  
Jane: Let’s get on with it then. First, here we have a plate of one of the most ESSENTIAL ingredients to nachos, chips. If you buy this sabotage, you get to pick one of these for yourself, then give the other two to the other chefs. Bidding starts at $800.   
Dave: Well, I don’t actually need this, since i don’t have any chips anyway, but i feel like rose is going to care, so i start up the bid.   
Dave: $1000!   
Rose: Now, I don’t actually need this sabotage, I can work with these ingredients. But since Dave seems to want it so much, i decided to raise up the bid a bit.   
Rose: $5,000!  
John: i put my hand in the bid, like, i really want to buy some sabotages but i never seem to have a chance, those two just mark up the price every 2 seconds   
John: $6,000!   
Rose: $7,500!   
Dave: $10,000!!!  
Rose: $10, 500!!!  
Dave: $12-f⬜cking thousand b⬜tch!!!!!  
Rose: I am not spending that much on something I don’t even want.   
Jane: $12,000, $12,000 and sold to Chef Dave for $12,000 dollars! Hand that over mister.   
*Dave walks over to the table confidently, flapping the wad of money. He slams it on the table, then grabs each of the items. He hands the restaurant chips to Rose.*  
Dave: she should be thanking me, to be honest. i felt that maybe she would have some trouble if i gave her anything else, and we wouldn’t want that would we?   
Rose: Thanks.   
Dave: You're welcome, *bows while circling his hand* here you go john, a whole f⬜cking stack of tortilas. *He hands the bag of tortillas while pronouncing tortillas wrong.*  
John: wait, are you sure that’s right? i think you might have meant to like…  
*John takes the bag. Dave walks back, hugging the bag of Doritos. Jane looks at him, clearly confused, but then continues to the next sabotage. The elevator reveals a can of spray cheese*  
Jane: Oh, this is a good one. We come up with great ideas here at Cutthroat Kitchen. If you buy this sabotage, you can force another competitor to replace all of their cheese with this!   
John: $800!   
John: i actually want this, because i haven’t gotten anything else so far, so it would be nice to get something?   
Rose: $2,000!   
John(muttering): f⬜ck this.   
Dave: $12,000!   
Jane: Dave, you don’t have $12,000.   
Dave: Sh⬜t.   
Jane: I guess it goes to Rose then. Step up.   
*Rose walks up to the podium, handing over the measly $2,000. Jane hands her the spray cheese. She walks over to Dave who holds his hand out, but then turns and gives it to John.*  
Rose: I thought you might have been missing out.   
John: thankssssss   
Jane: Okay contestants, you have 15 minutes to make your nachos, starting...now!   
*All of the contestants start to rush over to their stations, taking out their food. Camera pans over to Dave*  
Dave (has to use self-inflicted Doritos): so I start setting up my sh⬜t for this wicked sick Dorito nacho, Dori-nacho, no, Nachorito, f⬜ck yeah, plate. I grab a pan to put all my doritos in, then cover that sh⬜t with cheese, just layer it like if I was letting it rain, which i’m going to do when i get all that prize money. then i add my other toppings, you know, just some classic Nachoritos. wish I had some mountain dew to compliment this sh⬜z  
*Dave tries to rip open the bag with his mouth, but instead ends up using a pair of broken scissors. He spills it out into a pan, then grabs the bags of cheese and does the same thing. He adds the rest of the toppings, more Doritos, then more cheese, until the entire pan is overflowing. Then he puts it in the oven.*  
Rose (has to use restaurant chips): I can’t believe how much of an idiot Dave’s being, I thought he would have done something at least a quantum of a spec better than this. It’s sad really. So I have my beautifully crafted tortilla chips, already made, so I only have the easiest job left. I carefully layer everything together so that it’s a perfect amount of textures and tastes, then add a thin layer of sauce for added spice. I think my mom would be proud.   
*Rose flips back her hair as she gets all of her food ready, measuring out precise measurements and making sure every piece is where it should be. Dave’s Nachoritos are already half done by the time she finishes*  
John (has to use flat tortillas and spray cheese): oh f⬜ck, were we supposed to be cooking already? I just got everything out.   
*John floats over to deep fry the tortillas, then breaks them apart to make chips. He puts a layer of chips, spray cheese, toppings, then chips again into a pan. He then realizes that he doesn’t have enough time to bake it, so he goes for the microwave. Suddenly, Jane appears with a skateboard.*  
Jane: I don’t know about you, but when I think nachos, I think sitting on the couch and playing some sweet video games, which I am saying entirely to be “relatable”. So for this challenge, you will have to drop EVERYTHING that you are doing and instead skate on THIS   
*Pan over to a half-pipe being rolled in*  
Jane: And do at least THREE tricks while wearing this helmet,   
*Zoom into the helmet that Jane is holding, which completely obscures the wearer’s vision.*  
Jane: And until then, you won’t be able to go back to what you are doing. And no cheating with wind or time or any of that nonsense either. And, even when the challenge is over, you still have to wear the helmet! Genius, I know. Bidding starts at $1000!  
Dave: I would be able to handle this completely, but if John gets this, he’s screwed. Guy would probably fall off a dead horse.  
Dave: $1100!   
Rose: I decide not to bid, I already have my chips in the oven, I’m good. I feel like I can sense where the sabotage is going.   
*Rose keeps on working on her plating for the nachos, glancing from one side to the other to watch the chaos unfold.*  
John: $2000!   
*John is rushing around, trying to get everything together to put in the microwave. He’s almost too distracted to remember to bid.*  
Dave: $5000!  
Jane: D-Dave. That’s all your money. Still going for it? Alright. John will you be bidding $5,001?   
*Jane points at John, who is trying to figure out how to fit all of his nachos into the microwave. He is too distracted to bid.*  
Jane: I guess the sabotage goes to Dave! Who will you be giving this sabotage to?   
*Dave points at John, laughing. John is trying to figure out how to use the microwave. Jane hands over the helmet and skateboard, then points to the half-pipe*  
John: oh f⬜ck, i, oh f⬜ck  
*Jane pulls John over to the skating course, then pushes him into the middle. He trips over, then grabs the helmet to put on.*  
John: jane, you didn’t say that f⬜cking betty crocker ads would be playing in this thing. it’s fine, ill f⬜cking figure it out  
*John gets on the skateboard and miraculously doesn’t fall. Rose and Dave almost burn their nachos because they get distracted by their own laughter. John flips them off, then starts to ride the skateboard, not doing too bad. Dave and Rose are surprised, Dave even starts to worry that he wasted the last of his money. John makes a turn and does a 360, completing his first trick, but then falls back, falls face flat at the bottom of the half-pipe, the skateboard trailing behind. Dave laughs, almost getting his phone out to record before realizing that everything is already being filmed. John flips them off again, then gets up and does nearly the same thing but on the other side of the half-pipe. Then the third time he does it correctly, actually getting air, too much air, and as he realizes he’s not allowed to float, ends up falling on the flat end of the half-pipe, then rolls off the end and falls face flat. Dave takes a picture. John uses both of his hands to flip him off.*  
Dave: worth every last penny  
Jane: 30 seconds left!   
*John runs back to the microwave while ‘accidentally’ running into Dave’s table. He looks at the buttons and realizes that he can’t see them, so he just takes a spatula to throw some of his nacho mix in a microwave safe bowl, rams his hand against the buttons, leaves it in for five seconds, then takes it out. He ignores the burn on his hand and takes it to his table. He pours out the nachos onto a plate. Dave and Rose are distracted by this feat that they forget to plate everything correctly.*  
Jane: And time is up! That went by rather quickly, didn’t it? Okay contestants, step away from your plates. Now, Judge Karkat is supposed to retu...Oh, I just got a note that says that another one of our chefs will have to take his place. Apparently the food he ate might have made him sick. Oh well. C’mon out here, Judge Tavros!   
Tavros: uHH, oKAYY, i DIDN’T REALIZE YOU WERE ACTUALLY GOING TO LET ME PARTICIPATE, uHH, i THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST GOING TO LEAVE ME BACKSTAGE FOR ANOTHER WEEK   
Jane(muttering): We talked about this Tavros, say your lines  
Tavros: oH, rIGHT, hI MY NAME IS TAVROS AND I AM HERE TO TASTE FOOD, i THINK, oH, aND IM NOT SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT WHAT YOUVE BEEN THROUGH, JUST WHAT THE FOOD TASTES LIKE AND LOOKS LIKE AND IS SOMEWHAT CLOSE TO THE IDEA OF, uHH, NACHOS  
Jane: Alright Judge Tavros, over to the first contestant.   
*Jane gestures over to where Dave is. Tavros walks over and waves. Dave waves back, then starts to explain the simple plate of Nachoritos.*  
Dave: so for you, judge, i have made a plate of what i call, Nachoritos®, which are nachos, *BUT* they’re doritos instead. Classic, almost too traditional, too obvious, but I think after you taste these you’ll notice that these are the d⬜mn best fre☐king nachos you’ve ever fucking seen, and tasted, like fr⬜ck dude  
Tavros: wELL, uHH, tHIS MAY COME TO A SURPRISE TO YOU, bUT i’VE NEVER HAD NACHORITOS IN GENERAL, sO i HOPE THIS COMES AS A WELCOME sSURPRISE???   
*Tavros takes one look at the chips and swallows nervously. He struggles to lift up one of the doritos to his mouth because of the cheese that holds it, then crunches it in his mouth.*  
Tavros: }:) tHIS IS ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD, iT REMINDS ME OF SADNESS IN THE FORM OF FOOD, tHE NOSTALGIC, pITIFUL KIND, kIND OF LIKE mOUNTAIN dEW, iTS RATHER COMFORTING, bUT STILL UNIQUE WHILE STILL BEING A NACHO, gOOD JOB. i WOULD RECOMMEND LESS CHEESE THOUGH,   
*He nods, then moves onto Rose as Dave congratulates himself.*  
Dave: They thought I was a f⬜cking idiot, well guess what, who’s an idiot now? Nachoritos for life.   
*He takes a sip of mountain dew thinking that he’s off camera.*  
Tavros: eXPLAIN YOUR DISH, pLEASE  
Rose: Of course, judge. Today I have prepared for you a nacho plate with traditional toppings and restaurant style chips, with Mozzarella, Parmigiano and Gouda cheese.   
*Rose bows as the judge grabs some of her food. He eats it, making inquisitive faces as he chews.*  
Tavros: }:/ uHHH….  
Rose: What, did you enjoy it?   
Tavros: wELL, tHESE SURE ARE NACHOS...tO BE HONEST THEYRE KINDA BORING, aLL YOU DID WAS MAKE NACHOS, yOU COULD HAVE SPICED IT UP A BIT, i MEAN, i DONT KNOW MUCH ABOUT THIS SH☐T BUT IF I HAD TO SAY SO, i WAS JUST EXPECTING...MORE.   
Rose: Thank you judge.   
Rose: Plebeian, doesn’t understand a thing about food culture, he said that Dave’s Nachoritos were ‘pretty good’. Only a moron would say such a thing. I hope we get a new judge next round.   
*Tavros moves onto the final contestant, John. John smiles, then gestures to his hot mess of a plate. The cheese is still smoking from the microwave heat.*  
John: today i have made you a plate of homestyle nachos, with classic toppings but gourmet ‘spray’ cheese, and tortillas just fried a few minutes ago. I hope you enjoy it.   
*Jane gags when she smells the food, but Tavros doesn’t seem to mind. Tavros eats the food inquisitively, Dave and Rose leaning in to see what he thinks of it.*  
Tavros: }:D i LOVE THIS, IT TRULY REMINDS ME OF WHEN IM SITTING AT HOME, wALLOWING IN MY OWN SELF PITY, ANXIOUS ABOUT EVERYTHING, IT GIVES ME JUST THE SAME FEELING, WHICH IM GUESSING NACHOS ARE SUPPOSED TO DO FROM WHAT IVE HAD HERE, aND IT ADDS THIS UNIQUE TASTE THAT I CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS INDESCRIBABLE, aND THE MIXTURE OF TEXTURES WAS WORRYING AT FIRST, bUT ALL THE OF INGREDIENTS JUST BLEND TOGETHER SO WELL, bUT I WOULD RECOMMEND THAT YOU WORKED ON YOUR PLATING NEXT TIME  
*Tavros and Jane walk back to the podium, discussing the contestants.*  
John: wow, he actually liked it. im either really good at this sh☐t or this guy’s standards are wonked up, or both…  
Rose: If I get sent home I’m suing for them having a judge with no taste.   
Dave: Nachoritos, man *Another long, long, sip of Mountain Dew*  
*Jane and Tavros look back to the contestants, as they have made a decision.*  
Jane: Alright, contestants, here comes the “hardest” part of this job. There are three of you, but only two of you can move onto the next round. So the contestant who will not move onto the next round will be…  
Tavros: rOSE. sORRY TO SEE YOU GO CHEF…  
Rose ($18,000) (whispering): No you’re not.   
*Rose walks up to Jane, handing her the $18,000 she had left. She flips her hair and walks out confidently.  
Rose: I’m writing an extensive paper on the obvious bias both of these judges hold, the possibly unintentional sexist judgement being held and the loose arguments they have against my food. You’ll see, I’ll come back with food that no one can refute. Keep the money, none of you know a thing about cuisine. 


	3. Chapter 3

*All that’s left is Dave and John. Jane smiles at them.*  
Jane: So here we are chefs. Just the two of you. One v One, battle to the finish, sudden death. Now, I’m sure we’re all curious about what the next challenge is going to be. Now, I’m going to give you the standard 60 seconds, but then you’ll go straight into the next round. I will give you an hour to make - a cake! Ready, set and go!   
*They rush over to the pantry, looking around for their food. Dave confusedly grabs things, while John finds a Betty Crocker mix, flinches, but grabs it anyway. Dave puts in cartons of eggs, milk, cream, butter, sugar, brown sugar, milk, baking soda, essentially anything that could be found in a cake. Then he adds a bunch of lemons.*  
Dave: well, I don’t really know how to make a cake, so I might be at a disadvantage here against the son of a baker, but I’ve still got this. I’m making a lemon cake with and lemon frosting, not that I know how to make either of those things…  
John: i’m just going for the classic betty crocker yellow cake with chocolate frosting. it’s what i grew up with, so that’s what reminds me of home. You see, my *John sniffs, music starts to play in the background* my dad used to really like cake   
*John looks at the back of the box for instructions, ignores them, and grabs a stick of butter, three eggs, and milk. Then he grabs frosting, sprinkles and candles. He runs out as Dave is still struggling to find his ingredients.*  
Dave: wait, how the f☐ck? Is he carrying a f⬜cking cake mix? How-how did he find a f☐cking Betty Crocker baking mix? Jane! I think there might be some bias??? Jane the f⬜ck?!  
*Jane shrugs as if she was clueless. She winks as the camera as she stirs her suddenly appearing hot chocolate with a red spoon.*  
Dave: F⬜cking sell outs man. I realized that it didn’t matter though, the judges were going to tell that it was from a f☐cking baking mix anyway. I was going to give them quality, cake so moist it makes them moist, cake so decadent, so mouth-watering, so f☐cking straight up out of heaven sh☐t, so f☐cking rich with these lemons they're going to think life itself gave them to me, because life threw me these f⬜cking lemons and everyone says to put them in the f☐cking blender and make lemonade or some sh☐t, but im better than that. I made f☐ckiiiinnnngggg cakkkkkeeee-this is going to be so mouth-watering delicious-  
*Dave is cut off as he begins to repeat himself. He rushes out of the pantry, carrying a lemon boat load of lemons. When he lets them go, they each roll off of each other onto the ground. Dave hurriedly cuts all his lemons and squeezes out the juice before he’s given any sabotages. He looks at his measuring cups, wondering what each of them mean, then randomly starts shoving them into the flour, sugar, and salt, then dumps them into a bowl. He grabs a whisk and rapidly starts mixing them together. John ‘borrows’ Dave’s scissors to cut open the bag and dump it into the bowl, making a wave of flour cover his outfit. Jane walks around, smirking*  
Jane: The first out of two sabotages is a simple one, really. The chef who buys this, as in John because Dave you have no hope or money, will be able to take away any ingredient they choose fit from the other contestant and replace it with whatever is inside this.   
*Jane shows them a small party popper. John raises his arm up enthusiastically*  
John: finally, now that rose is gone i can buy me some good ol’ jimmy jams   
John: TWELVE THOUSAND!!!!  
Dave: THE *F☐CK* JOHN!!! I HAVE NO F☐CKING MONEY YOU DIMWIT!!! YOU F☐CKING MORON!!! IM GOING TO KICK YOUR F⬜CKING ASS FOR THIS SH☐T!  
*John smirks. He hands over the money, one bill at a time. Jane counts it, not trying to analyze the situation too hard as she tries not to laugh. John walks over to take an item. Dave looks longingly at the pile of lemons he has.*  
Dave: i can’t believe this, i already went through all the trouble of cutting these lemons with a broken knife. now he’s going to take them away, i-these lemons are my life man. Life threw them at me. then I realize, I forgot to put baking powder into the cake mix. I still have time, so I reach for it-  
*Dave reaches for the baking powder, but then John reaches for it. He hands it to Jane. Jane smiles, knowing that Dave has no chance. Dave seethes with anger.*  
Dave: I HAD ALL OF THESE LEMONS *RIPE* FOR THE TAKING AND YOU F⬜CKING TAKE MY BAKING POWDER? IT’S NOT EVEN IMPORTANT, LIKE DOES IT EVEN DO ANYTHING? HOW DARE YOU-how f☐cking dare you  
John: (whilst doing a thumbs up) thanks, i appreciate it   
Dave: WELL HOW DO YOU F☐CKING APPRECIATE THESE??? LIFE THREW THEM AT ME THIS MORNING, YOU CAN FRY THEM UP IN A BLENDER *Dave starts rapidly throwing lemons at John*  
*John walks back to his station, awkwardly laughing as lemons pelt him in the back of the head. He melts his butter using the microwave, breaks the eggs in a cup so that he can pick out all of the egg shells before putting them in the mix, and spills the milk all over the station before pouring it in the bowl. Then he uses a wooden spoon to mix it all, the chocolate mix splashing all over his face and clothes. Dave opens the party popper, getting confectioner’s sugar and sprinkles all over his table. Dave puts in his eggs, butter, milk and vanilla, then uses the mixer to mix it. He adds a bit of almond extract, then claps the dust off his hands. The mixer goes a little too fast, splashing the batter all over Dave’s face. Both of the chefs are ready to put their batter in a baking pan when-*  
Jane: It seems you’ve both been doing well then. It seems I’m going to have to be the one to put the spoon in the blender and take the irons out of the fire. *Jane gestures to the next sabotage rolling in. It’s a large test tube container, enough for thousands of them, but instead of test tubes, there are unlit candles. Jane laughs maniacally.*  
Jane: This one is just pure genius to be honest. I’m going to have to pat myself on the back for this one. You see, if you get this sabotage, Dave, you will have to light ALL of these candles, then cook your batter over them! Truly maniacal, I must say. Bidding starts at $2,000.   
John: yeah, ill take it   
Dave: we already know, John, do i have to throw another lemon at your skull for the idea that I have noooo money stick in there???  
John: no, i mean ill take it for myself, i don’t actually know how to use these ovens  
*John hands over $2,000 dollars, then takes the sabotage for himself. Dave’s hands are shaking from anger. He takes his pan and puts it in the oven, staring intensely at John, who is trying to figure out how to light a match. The flame goes out, so he does it again. He lights one candle, then laboriously lights all of the others, one at a time.*  
Dave: I didn’t know someone could go from true neutral to chaotic evil so fast…  
Jane: *walking over to Dave* I am sorry by the way.   
Dave: no you f☐cking aren’t you’re enjoying every minute of this   
Jane: *taking a sip of hot chocolate whilst glancing up at the camera* I know.  
*John finally finishes lighting all of the candles, then floats the cake pan over the candles, then makes the flames more intense. He sits down on the floor, licking at the cake batter left on his hands and face. Zoom in on Dave, who is trying to make a frosting, but is still staring at awe.*  
Dave: I finally understand, Karkat, I finally understand why you hate crush on this guy   
*behind the camera* F⬜CK YOU  
Dave: *at the voice behind the camera* hate you too, don’t get jealous *a moment of silence, then Dave laughs and flips off the person behind the camera*  
*Meanwhile, back at the kitchen, Dave finishes his frosting and John finishes cooking his cake. His cake somehow ends up twice as big as the pan, nearly the size of John’s head. He sets it to cool, then looks at his piles of pre-packaged frosting. He opens up the top of one, then tries to take the tin foil off the top, but ends up taking off only half. He struggles to find the correct angle to get rid of the rest, so ends up with a bunch of frosting all over his fingers.*  
John: anyone got like, a butter knife? and a ziploc bag?   
*Jane points at the frosting spreader next to him, then points to the plastic frosting bags with an assorted box of frosting tips. John shrugs, then picks up a bag inquisitively. Jane puts her hand to her head, then explains how to use it. John still shrugs, Jane staring at him angrily. John then just grabs a handful of frosting and starts spreading it on the cake like fingerpaint. Dave checks on his cake.*  
Dave: why isn’t it rising? wait, is that what baking powder does? oh sh☐t  
Jane: Ten more minutes left, chefs!   
*He starts to sweat nervously. He takes out the cake, which only takes up about a sixth of the space it should. He uses one of his knives to scrape it out of the pan. He stares at the uneven cake, which isn’t really a cake without baking powder, but uses his mistake to refill himself with determination. He cuts up the cake into two circles, then uses a frosting bag to make a design on the top of the cakes. His shaking hands make the pattern uneven, and as he gets more frustrated, the more frosting ends up on his hands instead. He looks back at John.*  
John: i think that’s good   
*John’s cake is completely frosted, covered with swirls and star shapes. He starts to cover the top with cheap confectionary sprinkles that would be found on Safeway cakes, then starts to write out, “Happy Cutthroat Kitchen Day” on the cake in cursive with vanilla frosting. By the time he is putting on the candles, his hands are completely covered in at least ten layers of frosting. He finishes lighting each of the candles, then cuts out two corner pieces. The candles stay lit even as he puts them on their own plates. Dave uses the leftover confectioner’s sugar on his table to sprinkle on top of the cake.*  
Jane: And time is up folks! Oh golly, this is going to be an interesting round. Please chefs, bring up your cake slices to the top podium. After washing your hands, that’s disgusting John.  
*John licks his hand. Dave wipes off some of the frosting onto his chef outfit, just making more of a mess. They wash their hands, then take their plates to the top podium.*  
Jane: So we were going to have Judge Tavros come back for this round, but he said something along the lines of not having the confidence to do this again, especially for the final round. So instead we have Judge Aradia. Come out, Judge Aradia!   
*Judge Aradia floats down the stairs, smiling. Meenah is trailing behind her.*  
Aradia: yes, i am here, sorry for the um, unwelcome company. She said something along the lines of   
Meenah: i can glubbin speak for my f☐cking self thank you   
Aradia: alright then, speak for yourself -_-   
Meenah: im glubbin here because i might not be the batterwitch but im a BATT-ER B☐TC)( and im gonna speak for all us batterwitches to make sure that this aradia actually knows what the glub she is talking about  
Jane: Well, it’s nice to see you...what’s your name? Also could you refrain from swearing?   
Meenah: meenah, b⬜tch  
Jane: Well, it seems that this round we will be having two judges. So Aradia and um, Meenah, this round is cake.   
Meenah: we glubbin’ know that’s why we came here  
Jane: *glancing angrily at Meenah* So let’s start here, at Chef Dave’s plate. Explain your plate chef.  
Dave: Okay. so today, judge, i mean judges, i have a lemon cake with a lemon zest and vanilla frosting. I was inspired to make this because, um, citrus, and life throws you lemons, you make a cake? I actually have no idea why i thought of this   
Aradia: thanks, chef. now let’s see how it tastes. even though from what i can tell already, chef, this doesn’t look as much as a cake but more like a…  
Meenah: these are glubbin’ lemon bars b☐tch youre a disgrace to the betty crocker empire and im going to tell the batterwitch that you should be erased from existence for calling this piece of kelp glubbin’ CAK-E.   
Jane: *whispering* Meenah, that’s the whole point of this challenge.  
Jane: Anyway, go on to trying the lemon bars.  
*Aradia takes a bite of the lemon bar as Meenah crosses her arms. Dave goes back to his station to grab the extra plate so she can try some.*  
Aradia: :/ all of the technique here is good, but there just seems to be an overwhelming amount of lemon, you could have tried to add some other flavor to balance all that sweet acidity. also, it still does bug me that this doesn’t remind me as much of a cake as it does lemon bars   
*Meenah puts the whole cake into her mouth, then chews it as she comes up with her response.*  
Meenah: ditto b☐tch *she spits lemon bar as she speaks* even if these were lemon bars, they be sucky lemon bars   
Jane: Wow, some food for thought by Meenah.   
Aradia: anyway, thank you chef   
Dave: thank you, judge  
Dave: who cares that my cake isn’t cake, its still original and tastes good. Egbert’s got a foodmax cake for his entry, they’ll be wanting another bite of my cake once they taste that sugar mess, its probably not even fully cooked  
Jane: Okay, chef John. Tell us about your dish.   
John: okay, well, this is a yellow birthday cake with chocolate and vanilla frosting, sprinkles and um, candles. don’t eat those. and yeah, this cake was based off of what i grew up with when i was a child, it was my dad’s favorite *wipes away tear*  
*All have a moment of silence, except for Meenah*  
Meenah: im glubbing dead too b☐tch, just let me have some glubbin cake   
*She takes a plate then shoves the whole piece in her mouth. Aradia uses a fork to eat a small bite, making sure to grab some frosting.*  
Aradia: :) this is good, like really good. i like it. it has a perfect ratio of frosting to cake, a classic combination of flavors, it’s thick but fluffy, it reminds me of memories i don’t even have, these are all the good qualities of a good cake. the only thing wrong is that it is a pretty overdone combination, but your take on the classic yellow birthday cake is just, just, through the roof. don’t you agree batterb☐tch?   
Meenah: what? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of me eating this glubbin’ actual cake like i think even the condesce would eat this kelp 38D do you have more  
John: yeah, just wait a sec *John goes back to his station and prepares to cut off a piece for Meenah. He motions his knife over the cake, looking over at Meenah, who is gesturing for him to move it farther until he cuts off a fourth of the cake to put onto Meenah’s plate. She licks her teeth, then begins to gobble it down.*  
Jane: Okay chefs, now the judges will discuss and figure out who is the winner of Cutthroat Kitchen!  
John: i guess they like it, i could had been more original though, i should have. it might cost me the competition.   
Dave: im starting to wonder if im f☐cking screwed, i really wanted to win Chopped, if i do go i guess its my own fault, j f☐cking k, its f⬜cking John’s   
John: I’m just glad that i made it this far, i didn’t expect to win one round, or i’d at least have no money left by the end of it, i wish i got to spend more honestly, i mean it’s not real   
Jane: Okay, chefs, the judges have come to a conclusion. Judge Aradia, please tell the chefs who you think deserves to win Cutthroat Kitchen.   
Aradia: yes, crocker. you see i think that chef dave’s plate was the more unique plate that tried to stay classic but take some risk, but chef john’s plate was THE classic birthday cake, tasting amazing, so it depends on whether i go for out of the cake box, or the definition of the cake box. so i will have to announce the winner to be…  
Meenah: b⬜tch lemme talk ive got a thing to say   
Aradia: you do???  
Meenah: yes gup lemme talk so the lemon bars were a disaster of a catfish-trophe of an abomination that the condesce would immediately outlaw from the universe and the actual cake would be nominated to be the condesce’s side hoe it’s that glubbin good   
Aradia: okay, meenah, thanks for the two cents. so i will have to say that the winner of cutthroat kitchen……………………………………………..is…………………………………………  
*John and Dave lean in, eyes wide open.*  
Meenah: Lemme jus say it, IT’S JO)(N.   
*John’s eyes light up, and he starts jumping up and down all giddy. Dave looks to the ground, defeated. *  
Jane: I’m sorry Dave, but you’ll have to return that money to this case. It was good knowing you, Chef Dave.   
Dave($0): J-Jane? *he waves his empty hands*   
Jane: Oh, oh, right, I have it. Goodbye, Chef Dave.   
*Dave nods his head, then leaves the kitchen*  
Dave: I guess I just didn’t have what the chefs were looking for. I’d be cool with it, if the thing they were looking for was actual quality. F☐cking john, that lucky b☐tch.   
*John is happily jumping up and down, holding his earnings.*  
John: this is the first time ive won anything, i hope my dad’s proud. and don’t think this is the only time im coming here, no, im going to do it again, it just started to get interesting   
*Jane and Aradia clap for him as Meenah sneaks in more cake. The Condesce walks into the studio, smiling. She squats down to eat a piece of cake with a normal size fork and plate with Meenah. Meenah’s eyes sparkle, as they both enjoy food together. The camera zooms out on the Cutthroat Kitchen sign.*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Episode of Cutthroat Kitchen: "Not In the Calzone" starring the Alpha Chefs (and John)!


End file.
